Brave
by SunKing
Summary: Edward has suffered anxiety attacks for as long as he can remember. When new girl Bella arrives, he finds that she inspires a calm he's never known. As she helps to bring him out of his shell, he finds courage he never knew he had. REPOST.
1. Beautiful

I felt the stirring as soon as I saw her. I knew it was coming, but I was powerless to stop it; the roar in my head, the squeeze of my heart. My fingers trembled and I clenched them into fists; my only hope of disguising the outward physical reaction I had toward the new girl.

Mr. Mason had seemed to understand my separation from society on the first day of class and had therefore left the seats next to me and in front of me empty. Unfortunately, they were now the only available desks and she would be within two feet of me for a full hour each day for the remainder of the school year.

I heard her quiet voice as she asked Mr. Mason to please call her Bella. I somehow heard that sweet music through the rushing wind that seemed to fill my ears. Through the stars that filled my vision, I watched as she approached the desk to my right. Her eyes were glued to the floor.

The sensation of falling finally overtook me as she plopped gracelessly into the chair. It was always the last step, and the hardest for me to work through. I pulled in deep, cleansing breaths; holding them for several seconds before expelling the air slowly and silently. I could feel her eyes on me, making the falling sensation even more intense. I clutched the edges of my desk and fought to remain conscious.

"Hi."

I heard her speak, but I was afraid to turn my head. I knew the moment I looked directly into her eyes, my battle against self would be lost. I wanted to answer her. The sincere desire to speak to her warred with the need to stay upright. For a moment, the desire actually won and I turned my head, eyes still glued tot he pages before me, and offered her the best smile I could muster. I knew it was probably more of a grimace at that point, but the pride I felt achieving such a small victory must have softened my features enough that I didn't scare the poor girl.

"I'm Bella," she continued.

Again, I wanted to reply. I might have, if Mr. Mason hadn't cleared his throat to begin the lecture at that point. Relief flooded me and washed away the remainder of the anxiety.

With my breathing normal, my heart no longer pounding painfully, and the roaring in my ears slowly receding, I decided it was safe to look. I knew there would be brown hair and a slender frame. I knew she was wearing a blue sweater. This knowledge was not enough to truly prepare me.

She was beautiful. And she was staring right at me with deep brown eyes full of understanding and compassion. They sparkled with just a bit of humor, but not enough to make me feel as if she might be amused by my distress.

Mr. Mason continued to drone from the front of the classroom as my eyes greedily drank in the lines of her face. She offered a half smile as she allowed my appraisal, and my gaze traveled over creamy skin with a hint of flushed heat. I wondered if my intense scrutiny was making her uncomfortable, but I just couldn't stop. A small sprinkling of freckles dusted her nose and my fingers itched to brush over them. She dipped her head with a smile and her lashes fanned across her cheeks. I was smitten, and then immediately heartbroken.

To avoid completely embarrassing myself, I turned my concentration back to the notes in front of me and tried to focus on what Mr. Mason was saying. I bit back a groan when I realized he was explaining our next assignment, a partner project. He gave me a sympathetic look, but it didn't ease the new attack that was slowly building steam. Just as I felt my heart give a great thump, a folded piece of paper landed in the middle of my copy of To Kill a Mockingbird. I stared at it for a moment and then looked up at the ceiling as if it might have fallen straight from there. A soft giggle alerted me to the only other possibility.

I shot a glance her way out of the corner of my eye and picked up the note from between the pages of the novel. My mind barely registered the fact that the anxiety attack seemed to have lost its power as it raced over the possibilities of the many combinations of words that might lie within.

_Is this easier for you? – B _

My jaw dropped. How could she know? I chanced another glance at her and saw that she was smiling warmly in my direction. I plucked up my courage and my pencil.

_Yeah. Thanks. I'm Edward. _

She reached over and slipped the paper from my grasp when she noticed I was finished. I found myself staring yet again as her polite smile grew into a wide grin. She pulled the pencil from its perch in her ponytail and began to scribble furiously. A glimpse of tiny pink tongue appeared at the corner of her mouth, as if she were concentrating very hard on her chosen words. As she reached out to hand me the note again, I looked back toward Mr. Mason to make sure we wouldn't be caught. He was looking right at us, and I felt my stomach drop in panic. Mr. Mason just smiled and nodded, though, causing my eyes to widen in wonder. Before I could question the exchange further, the paper was thrust into my waiting hands and I was distracted once more.

_Take pity on the new girl and be my partner for this project? I promise it's my favorite book and I won't hold you back. And it's nice to meet you, Edward. –B _

I smiled involuntarily and began writing even before I had thought out my response. Something about the girl loosened the knot that had taken up permanent residence in my chest, and I found that I was able to take full and even breaths for the first time in my recent memory.

_How do you know I won't hold you back? I could be dyslexic or a horrible speller. I could be convinced that Dill was named after his favorite kind of pickle and argue that Scout needed to learn a woman's place is in the kitchen. _

The way she snatched the page out from under me let me know that she'd been reading as I wrote. A small chuckle escaped my lips as I watched her furiously phrase her response. I expected a diatribe about modern society's view of women, or how Dill was not to be made light of, as he was just as lonely as Boo Radley. I tried to read as she responded, but it would have required leaning closer to her than my fragile psyche would allow. Instead, I skimmed a few pages of the novel and waited as patiently as possible. The nearly full page was placed in front of me, and my gaze lingered on her slender fingers as she pulled away.

_You spelled dyslexic perfectly, easily proving that you neither possess that particular learning disability, nor are you a horrible speller. As for your grasp of the underlying themes of the book, I imagine you understand them better than any other student in this school. I understand your reticence, and I'll never challenge it. Not purposely, anyway. And I understand the underlying themes as well as you do- perhaps more now that I'm the new girl. If you'd like to focus on Scout's understanding of the role of women in society, I'm sure we could still do a kick-ass job. So? Partners? _

I read the note three times, almost laughing aloud each time. For the first time in years, I looked directly into the eyes of someone other than my family and smiled.

"Yes."

I didn't realize just what a calming presence Bella had been until I had to suffer through the next two hours without her near me. She had left me with a shy smile, and approached Angela Weber for help getting to her next class. I liked that she knew that I wouldn't be able to talk to her enough to help her, and she didn't push the issue.

Calculus was bearable because Mr. Varner never expected me to talk, but Spanish was distressing. Mrs. Goff seemed to have missed the memo alerting the teachers that I don't speak aloud. She called on me no less than three times. Truthfully, my Spanish is probably better than hers but just the thought of twenty-six other kids hearing me conjugate the verbs sent me into a frenzy of tremors, and I almost had to excuse myself.

I briefly considered taking the entire lunch hour in the men's room or the library, but I knew that Alice would manage to find me anywhere. She was fully aware that I didn't enjoy socializing, and took perverse pleasure in making me do it anyway. I knew she and Emmett were just trying to help, and to be honest I didn't mind Jasper's company at all. Alice's boyfriend was as laid-back as she was twisted, and I actually found him to be a calming presence on most occasions. Since I knew the issue would be forced, I decided to make things as easy on myself as possible and dragged myself and my bag of lunch to the table in the corner.

There was someone filling the sixth seat, and my heart give its usual thump. Alice knew better than to invite others to join us, but she'd done it anyway. As I got closer, I realized that the brown curls were familiar and inspired a new kind of calm in me. The feeling was akin to the comfort one might get from a favorite blanket. The irony did not escape me that she had been the reason for my most powerful anxiety attack in weeks, and was now the very thing that could calm them. And I had known of her existence for just over three hours.

"Hi, Edward!" Alice said happily.

I nodded at her and Jasper as I took the seat next to Bella. She smiled at me, but didn't attempt to speak. Alice filled the silence with chatter until Emmett and Rosalie joined us. Emmett accepted the addition to the group with grace, but Rosalie froze and raised a perfectly groomed eyebrow.

"Oh! You're here!" Alice said, clapping. "Now Bella can meet everyone properly. She met Edward in Lit this morning, and we met last period in Physics! Now she gets to meet everyone else!"

Rosalie eyed me cautiously, waiting for one of my famous breakdowns, but I gave her a smile and a shrug. Her eyebrows rose even higher and she offered a small smile to the newest inhabitant of the lunch table. Bella dipped her head shyly under Ro's intense scrutiny, but she did smile back. Alice jumped in immediately, chattering throughout the whole lunch hour. Emmett's booming laughter caused Bella to jump a few times, but she always laughed quietly after the shock wore off.

Through Jasper's gentle questioning, I learned that Bella had moved from Phoenix and she was not thrilled at all with the rainy weather in Forks. I learned that her mother was a free spirit who decided to travel with her baseball player husband, and that she was happy to spend her last two years of high school with her father. We all knew that Charlie Swan was the Chief of Police, but none of us mentioned it. It seemed to embarrass her a bit, and no one at the table wanted to make the new girl feel uncomfortable. Well, Emmett might have given it a go, but Rosalie elbowed him sharply as he opened his mouth and we were not subjected to the brilliance that was sure to have followed.

When the bell rang, signaling the time for fifth period. I had a free period that I usually took in the music hall. I was almost to the door of the cafeteria when I felt a piece of paper pressed into my palm. I turned quickly and saw Bella behind me, smiling shyly. Without even thinking, I closed my fist around the note and clutched it to my chest. She waved and headed off after Emmett who had promised to show her where her Government class was.

When I reached the music hall, I waved at Ms. Tucker. She waved back, but didn't leave her office. She, too, understood that I wouldn't talk. Instead of playing immediately, as I usually would, I unfolded Bella's note and spread it gently across my lap.

_Edward, _

_I hope you don't mind that I'm writing you a note like a silly seventh grader. I somehow guessed that you'd prefer to make plans for our project without having to speak about it. _

_Before I get to that, I want to say thanks for agreeing to work with me and saving me the agony of sitting like a dolt and waiting for someone to take pity on the new girl. I imagine you understand when I say I didn't want to have to approach someone. _

_Your silence is refreshing. I don't normally like to be around people that chatter like crazy, but your sister is right next to me at the moment and she makes me laugh. Who knew? She's filled me in on your entire schedule for some reason, and I know you're probably sitting at a piano right now. Alice says you're really good, and I'm glad that you have something into which you can pour your emotions. I like to write, so this method of communication works very well for me. _

_My dad doesn't get home from work until very late usually, so we'll have a silent house for our work if you want to start this afternoon. I have a huge stack of notebooks, so talking won't be a problem. If you're not ready, I'm perfectly fine with that. I can write out my impressions tonight and let you read them tomorrow. _

_I have stupid gym last period, so if you want to work this afternoon you can meet me there. It's seriously cool if you don't, so please don't upset yourself over it. _

_Bella _

I read the note three times and wondered how I felt about meeting her. Her words about Alice made me laugh, and Ms. Tucker looked through the window in surprise. I cleared my throat and folded the letter carefully before placing it in my pocket. I wanted to play a happy piece, and Mozart seemed to be just the thing. After playing through a few of my favorites, I transitioned into Mendelssohn and then onto Gershwin. By the time the bell indicated it was time for my Government class, I was smiling like a madman. I would meet her after her gym class.

"Edward?" a soft voice dragged me from my reverie.

Rosalie stood a few feet away, careful not to step into my space. I cocked my head and waited for her to continue.

"Are you coming with us this afternoon?"

I shook my head and pulled my bag up on my shoulder.

"Bella and I have a project for Lit class," I told her quietly.

"Are you okay with that?" Rosalie asked, her face a mask of concern.

I did like my brother's girlfriend very much. They had dated since eighth grade and I had watched her grow from gawky preteen to stunning lady. Through it all, she had maintained her grace and humility. Even in her more shallow moments, I knew that she cared for my brother and his whole family by extension.

"She's nice," I said, realizing immediately what a gross understatement that was. Rosalie seemed to understand what I hadn't said and she nodded with a smile.

"She is nice. Alice is already quite fond of her. I know Alice seems to like everyone unconditionally, but she really thinks a lot of Bella already. We'll have to keep Emmett from scaring her off."

My blood ran cold at the thought, and I felt that familiar sensation of falling again. Rosalie's eyes widened in concern as she recognized the signs. "Oh, honey, I won't let that happen. I promise, Edward. She's not going anywhere."

The doors to the gym opened at that moment and students began pouring through. Mike Newton stopped short at the sight of me and then almost tripped over his feet when he saw Rosalie next to me. He had probably considered trying to talk, but Rosalie intimidated the hell out of him. It's not that he was a bad guy, really. Just... incorrigible. No matter how steadfastly I refused to speak to him, he still persisted in trying to be friends. I think it sincerely hurt his ego that there was at least one person in the school that wouldn't be his friend.

Thoughts of Mike left me the moment she walked through the door. Even with her damp hair piled on top of her hair in a messy bun and the ferocious scowl on her face, she was lovely. I sighed and Rosalie huffed a laugh through her nose.

"Hi," Bella said, her face suddenly alight with happiness.

"What was the frown all about?" Rosalie asked, knowing that I would want to know but would never have the courage to ask.

"Ugh. General disgust with all things athletic," Bella said, and I watched in fascination as she laughed.

Her head was thrown back just a bit, exposing even more of her slender throat, her smile wide and inviting. Her eyes met mine, and the smile changed. It was still present, and was still just as wide, but suddenly seemed to be something between just the two of us. I couldn't help but smile in return.

* * *

As far as people went, I liked Chief Swan. He and my dad were pretty good friends, and he never really talked much. That meant he never expected me to answer. Like him or not, I was glad that he wasn't home when Bella and I arrived. I parked on the street so that his space would be open, but Bella had assured me that she'd get me out of the house well before he arrived.

The house itself was nothing more than a cottage nestled among the evergreens. The paint was fresh and the shutters clean; its inhabitants expressed their pride of ownership through regular maintenance. Pots of flowers adorned the porch and I instinctively knew they were Bella's handiwork.

She was watching my naked appraisal with a shy smile. "The poor place just needed some more color."

I wanted to tell her that her flowers were beautiful- that they were small and delicate and soft and shy- just as she was. Never before had I been so eager to speak my thoughts.

I opened my mouth and managed a croak before my chest seized and my heart began the familiar palpitations. My jaw closed with a snap and I sucked in the deep breaths that I knew would fend off the attack. I wanted so desperately to say the words! _Bella, you're beautiful. _In my mind it was so easy. My tongue had other ideas.

I hadn't realized my eyes were closed until Bella's soft voice crashed through the roaring in my head. "It's okay, Edward. You don't have to say anything. Let's get you inside."

Again, the words rushed forth and I opened my mouth to free them. And again my body rebelled. She ushered me gently through the front door without touching me at all, and yet I felt her all the way to my soul.

We were just finishing up when I heard her father pull into the driveway. Once more, the anxiety flared up. Bella flashed me a sympathetic look, but somewhere in her expression I read that everything would be okay. I zipped my bag as the front door opened and Charlie Swan stepped into view. He looked surprised to see me, but didn't utter a word. Instead, he looked to Bella.

"Dad, you know Dr. Cullen's son, Edward?" Charlie nodded, still silent, and turned to place his hat and gun belt on the table behind him.

When I glanced back at Bella, she was smiling widely and offering me a piece of paper.

_He's quiet, too. He likes you, though. I know because I've learned to read him. And he didn't shoot you. _

"Is Edward staying for dinner?" Charlie finally asked. His voice was low and soothing, just like Bella's.

The words still incited a spark of panic in my chest and I whipped my gaze back to Bella.

"Perhaps when he's a bit more comfortable, Dad," she said, without even looking at me.

She had known. She didn't even need to see my reaction and she had known.

She was beautiful.

* * *

School days had been something of a chore for me before Bella's arrival. The hours I spent without her were still excruciating, but seeing her in Lit class and at lunch seemed to calm me enough to make it through the remainder of the day. She never pushed, always accepting my silence with a smile. I found that shorter answers were easy enough to give verbally, and she would listen carefully with an expression of delight.

She fell in easily with the friends I had, though she acquired quite a few on her own. Angela Weber would often approach at lunch and talk with Bella for a few minutes before moving on to eat with her boyfriend, Ben, and his friends. I found Angela to be almost as restful as Bella, for she had a kind heart and soft voice. Bella never failed to join our little group at lunch, though, even when she was invited elsewhere.

Alice asked me one morning if she could invite Bella over for dinner, and my mind went blank. The thought of Bella in my house, at my dinner table, and maybe even seeing my bedroom caused my heart pound. Alice watched me carefully while awaiting my answer, but I couldn't form the words. I was too busy coming to the realization that the thrumming of my heart was not from anxiety, but from excitement. There was no holding back the broad smile that crossed my face and Alice bounced once and clapped her hands.

"I'll ask her at lunch today!" she laughed.

I spent the day scared senseless that Bella would say no, but I needn't have worried. She seemed absolutely delighted to have been included in the Cullen dinner plans. I smiled into my sandwich as I listened to Alice chatter ceaselessly about what Mom might cook and the things we might do afterward. Rosalie and Jasper had standing invitations to dinner at any time, so having them over was nothing new. Bella, however, was something about which she could be excited. A note was shoved under my hand, and my heart skipped a beat.

_Seriously. She's this excited about dinner? Is the President going to be there?_

I laughed out loud, causing all talk at the table to stop. Bella huffed and made a motion with her hand, telling everyone to continue as they were. I had laughed more with her around than I had in years, but she couldn't know that. Everyone else realized that it was very unusual for me, and they couldn't help but stare in wonder for a moment. Bella, growing tired of the silence, made the motion again and added the words, "Continue, please." Her eyes never left mine. When the conversation picked up again, after a few awkward stops and starts, I accepted her offered pencil.

_You're the only new element to the equation. All the excitement is for you. How does that make you feel? _

She read my words and rolled her eyes. Everyone was watching the interaction closely, but continued to discuss the games we might all play as if nothing unusual was happening.

_Weird. _

That was the only response Bella gave, but it made me laugh again.

Rosalie waited with me again for Bella to leave gym class. She didn't say a word, but I felt her support as acutely as if she had spoken it. It had become our new ritual, to stand together and watch for Bella to appear. My breath still left my lungs in a rush every time I saw her flushed and breathless from her quick shower. Mike Newton would walk next to her sometimes, causing a little flame of jealousy to ignite when I saw them, but he always marched away abruptly when he saw me and Rose waiting. Whatever jealous fire he left burning was always quenched when I saw Bella's face light up at the sight of me. She would stand and talk with Rosalie for a few minutes before gently leading me to my car. We would then ride in comfortable silence to her house to continue work on our Lit project.

That day was a bit different, though. I could feel the thrum of excitement as I considered showing her my home- my bedroom, my piano. These things had always been private, sacred spaces meant only for me. For some reason, I could not wait to invite her in. We had to finish up the last of the paper before we could escape to my house, but there was not much left to complete. Working with Bella had been as easy as she had promised. Our time was always spent without spoken word, but we had somehow amassed fifty some- odd pages of notes for the project and a full notebook of conversations. Her brilliance astounded me, as well as her tender heart.

She had a passionate view on the mistreatment of Boo Radley, and she never failed to express it. Her eyes burned with love and understanding as she scribbled furiously; she thought he was beautiful. We put the final touches on the rough draft, and I felt sadness knowing that our time together was coming to an end. Without the excuse of the project, I knew I'd never have the courage to ask her for more time together.

As she shut the notebook on our weeks of work, I stood and helped her from her chair. She took my hand with a smile and allowed me to lead her to the car. I wanted to describe my parents for her, but the words still just wouldn't come.

I did manage to say, "I'm glad you're joining us tonight."

Her face lit up as if I'd told her she'd won the lottery. She never pushed me to speak, but her happiness when I did encouraged me to try more often.

I was certainly more comfortable in my house than anywhere else. It had been ages since I'd had a panic attack while awake. I still sometimes woke up in the throes of an attack, but they were not nearly as common as they once were. I often found myself speaking aloud to my family and friends when in my sanctuary, and I wondered how Bella's presence would affect that. I opened the front door and escorted Bella inside, knowing I was about to find out.

"Edward!" Mom called.

Bella froze as my mother came into view, and for a moment I looked at Esme Cullen through the eyes of a stranger. Her face was smooth and unlined, and bore the smile of a truly happy person. Caramel hair fell in silky curls around her face, and her brown eyes were alight with wonder.

"She's beautiful!" Bella breathed, and I smiled in pride.

My mother was, indeed, beautiful. Mom rushed forward and pulled me into a hug, as she did every time I arrived home. She then turned and opened her arms to Bella.

"We've heard so much about you, love, " Mom said, briefly embracing my friend.

"We've been looking forward to meeting you. Come, now. Dad's putting the finishing touches on the table. Emmett has already been into all the food, so I only hope we have enough for everyone."

Bella laughed and took in her surroundings with wide eyes. "Your house is lovely, Mrs. Cullen."

"Oh, Lord. Call me Esme," Mom said with a grin. "Mrs. Cullen makes me feel so old. And you'll call my husband Carlisle, please. Otherwise, I'll feel like I'm married to a septuagenarian."

Bella giggled again, and I found myself laughing with her. We followed Mom to the dining room where everyone was already gathered. Alice was smacking Emmett's hands away from a dish of scalloped potatoes while Jasper looked on lazily. Rosalie was talking with Dad about the new Mercedes he'd bought, begging him to let her behind the wheel. I knew if he let anyone drive it besides Mom, it would be Rosalie. Her respect for automobiles was unmatched by any male I'd ever met.

"Bella!" Emmett yelled when he noticed we were standing in the doorway. Bella jumped a bit and turned to me with wide eyes.

"Don't scare her, you idiot," I said before thinking. Everyone froze, eyebrows raised, and stared at the two of us.

"Hi, Emmett," Bella said, filling the silence as only she could.

Dad smiled at both of us and walked around the table to meet Bella. I could tell that he was just as taken with her as the rest of us, but his reasons were much the same as mine. He could see the shell drop away from me when she was around, and it eased his fears a bit.

I managed to talk a bit during dinner. It wasn't unusual for me to converse with my family, but they didn't expect me to contribute much since there was a guest. Bella was involved in every topic of conversation, though, and I responded to questions easily. It was almost as if Bella was a part of the family. As we stuffed ourselves with Mom's homemade cheesecake, I even teased Alice about her shoe collection. My shell lay cracked at my feet.

I opted out of the board games so that I could give Bella a tour of the house. We promised to join them all later, but at that moment I wanted nothing more than to escape the wondrous gazes of my family. If I was uncomfortable, I could only imagine how Bella felt. She followed me quietly from room to room, smiling proudly as I explained each room. I debated quickly between showing her my music room before my bedroom and saving it for last. If I showed her the bedroom first, I might actually work up the courage to play something for her. With the decision made, I led her shyly to the door at the end of the hall.

"My room," I said quietly.

Her eyes took in the king sized bed covered with a navy blue spread. A glass desk held my laptop, and matching glass shelves housed my extensive music and book collection. She headed straight for the books, as I knew she would.

"Brilliant," she muttered, touching my copy of _The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time _with a smile.

I wondered if she thought I might be autistic as she watched me out of the corner of her eye. As I was trying to figure out how to differentiate between autism and crippling shyness for her, she grabbed my hand and squeezed. I felt an electric jolt through my whole body, forgetting for a moment to breathe. Then, carefully, I squeezed back. With that one tiny act, she had her answer.

"Come," I said, pulling her out the door and down the hall to the steps.

Her physical expression had given me the courage to tear down that last wall and share my music. I could hear everyone else in the house going about their normal lives while feeling that mine was about to change immensely. No one had ever heard me play; no one except my family, Jasper, Rosalie, and Ms. Tucker. Ms. Tucker had only heard because I had to accept her presence if I wanted to use the piano at school. Bella would be the first person I willingly played for, and I bit my lip in a panic wondering if she would like it.

She paused next to the piano, waiting for me to sit. I thought for a moment before inviting her to sit next to me. She almost tripped over her feet in her excitement and it made me smile. Suddenly, any panic I felt was gone. She was just as excited to hear me play, as I was to share with her.

She didn't sit close enough for our legs to touch, and I felt myself longing for the heat of her body as I poised my hands over the keys. Under the guise of making myself more comfortable, I scooted toward her just enough to hear the fabric of her jeans rustle against my own. Then, I began to play. My eyes drifted closed and I put every ounce of my undefined feelings for Bella into the music. I knew she was beautiful, not only outwardly but on the inside as well. She had a tender, caring heart. Somehow, she understood me without needing me to explain myself. Her very presence calmed me and prompted me to speak in a way that nothing else had for as long as I could...well, nothing ever had.

When the notes had drifted to silence in the room, I opened my eyes and turned to her. There were tears streaming down her face, and I ached to wipe them away. She gave me a watery smile and held out a piece of paper with a sheepish grin. Before taking it, I gave in and traced a thumb across her cheek to collect the moisture there. Her eyes fluttered closed and she leaned into my palm. With my free hand, I lifted the sheet of paper and braced myself for her words.

_It's beautiful, Edward. You're beautiful. _


	2. Patient

Jasper laughed as we talked together in front of the television. I briefly wondered where the rest of my family was, but I was enjoying the conversation with my closest friend too much to dwell on their absence. Suddenly, I realized that the couch wasn't the black leather with which I was familiar and turned to study the new sofa with a bemused frown. Jasper touched my arm and drew my gaze from the furniture and back to his eyes before stepping forward to embrace me. The shock of his forward action was immediately eclipsed by the shock of pain I felt between my shoulder blades. I fell to the carpet, silent, and watched as my blood flowed crimson over the pristine white. Esme would not be pleased. I turned my head, trying to find Jasper with beseeching eyes, only to see the backs of his legs as he walked calmly around the sofa and left me there to die. My sight focused on the silver handle of the scissors my friend had used to stab me.

My eyes flew open and I registered that my heart was pounding loud enough to literally hear it in the silence of my room. My mouth was open in preparation to scream, but no sound came. The curl of fear still sat heavy as a stone in my belly, and I gulped deep breaths to stave off the attack. Trembling, I sucked in air and held it for several seconds before releasing it in a loud whoosh. When my body caught up with my mind in the realization that it was just a dream, I turned to the clock. Three AM. I'd slept for two hours. It was actually a small victory for me, save for the night terror. I didn't try to decipher the meaning of the dream; there would be none that made sense. Psychology students might try to tell me that I had trust issues with my sister's boyfriend but I knew there were not many people that I trusted more. It was simply one of the most horrifying things my brain could come up with, and therefore I would dream about it.

I knew that sleep would not visit me again that night, so I threw back the covers and padded to my desk. Bella had sent me an email to say goodbye for the night and I thought I might at least read that to calm myself if I couldn't speak to her. The blue glow of the screen filled my room as I waited for the Yahoo mail page to take me to my mailbox. A tiny smile crossed my face as I saw that she'd sent me something else since her goodnight wish. I clicked on that, instead.

_Edward, _

_In case you don't sleep tonight, and I know that it's a distinct possibility, I thought I'd send another little something for you to read. I'm not there to see your face or be embarrassed by your expression, so I wanted to say how very glad I am that I met you. Nothing makes me happier than to receive a note or an email from you, unless it's to hear your voice on one of the rare occasions you feel comfortable enough to speak. I know how hard it is for you, and yet you step out on faith each day to make the poor new girl feel welcome and appreciated. I find it amazing that the one person in the school who doesn't talk has managed to speak directly to my soul. _

_Thank you for allowing me into your life, and inviting me to join your family and friends. I honestly can't remember much about my life before you, and it's only been three months since the moment I first saw you in Lit class. You're still beautiful to me- your soul and your spirit. I know you are stepping out on faith, but I won't let you fall. _

_Now, whatever has you out of bed in the middle of the night, it can't hurt you. Go lay down, close your eyes, and I'll be with you. Nothing can harm you when I'm around. I'll run my fingers through your hair and trace the lines of your face and whisper stories about a brave man who rescued the new girl with witty words inscribed directly onto her heart. _

_Always, _

_Bella _

I don't know how she did it, but even her written word allayed my fears. I felt my eyelids begin to droop and marveled at the effort it took to heave my exhausted body back into my bed. As she had promised, she was there, threading cool fingers through my hair. I could almost feel her touch on my cheeks and eyelids as I drifted back into a restless slumber. Sleep at all was rare; I would not complain about the quality.

After school the next day, I went straight to the hospital to see my father. The nurses all smiled widely as I stumbled through the halls. I was on a mission, and that mission was to become whole for Bella. I had attempted several times in the past, but would approach it this time with renewed vigor. She deserved someone who could control his own mind and I was very nearly useless in that regard.

She had never once faltered in her support. She met me each day at the front doors of the school and walked with me to my first class. Somehow, she was always waiting when I exited so that we could arrive to Mr. Mason's class together. He whole-heartedly approved of our written conversations; I think he was just happy to see me interact with anyone. As she had promised on her very first day, she never pushed me to talk. She had slowly gathered enough information to understand the anxiety attacks, the social phobia, the night terrors, and the insomnia. Her cool hands would gently trace the bruises under my eyes, as she would whisper soothing words to me during our lunch hour. She was never discouraged by my lack of improvement.

However patient she had been, she still deserved for me to at least meet her halfway. The possible outcomes of my attempts sent me into another frenzy of trembling, but I was able to shake them off with thoughts of her. I had taken these steps before with disastrous results, prompting Dad to cease the treatments out of concern for my well-being. I was nearing manhood, though, and the safety factors should have increased exponentially with the changing chemicals in my body.

"Edward!" Dad said when he opened the door to my knock. "You know you can just come in, silly."

"I know, Dad, but it still seems more respectful to announce my presence," I said quietly. The edges of his smile were tinted with pride.

"School's only been out for fifteen minutes, Edward. What's so important that you couldn't wait to see your old man?" Dad asked. We both chuckled at the thought of Carlisle being old. He hadn't yet reached forty, and he still looked thirty. The years had been supremely kind to both of my parents.

"I want to try the drugs again," I said, without preamble. The right corner of Dad's mouth lifted in a bemused smile. It was a trait I had inherited from him.

"Bella?" he asked, a knowing look crossing his features. I nodded, and fought back the tears of happiness, frustration, and abject sorrow. Bella, indeed.

"I'll be eighteen in June," I said. "Maybe I'm old enough this time?"

"I'd feel better about it all if we waited for summer. Some of the possible side effects could really affect your schoolwork. It will certainly affect your interaction with people."

Images from my past flooded my mind, and I cringed. I didn't want Bella to ever see me crouched in a corner with a blade at my wrist. However much I trusted her to stay, that could certainly push the limits. I could wait the six weeks necessary if it meant saving whatever friendship Bella and I shared. I nodded firmly, content with the knowledge that I was doing something about it.

Telling Bella about my upcoming treatment was easier than I expected. Shame curled through me as I wrote out the words, but her hand on my wrist stopped me in the middle of my explanations. I looked up and caught her gaze; her eyes were full of pride.

_Whatever happens, I'm here. _

It was a simple statement that caused my heart to swell and my eyes to fill for the second time in as many days. Becoming whole for her was my life's mission.

* * *

As we waited for the school year to end so that I could begin the next chapter in my treatment, we still spent every possible moment together. I managed to steel myself enough to survive dinner with her and her  
father. More often, she joined the spectacle that was my family's dinnertime. Our Lit project had long been completed- with a perfect score- but we took to choosing new books to discuss through written conversations at her kitchen table every evening. On rare occasions, I would lead her to the music room and play as she sat next to me on the piano bench. She never failed to cry, and she told me every time that she thought I was beautiful.

The words, of course, sent a thrill through me each time. I wasn't sure what she saw, but I was grateful that she seemed to like it. Telling her how I felt was infinitely harder, though. Even when I tried to convey the words with paper and pencil, they still managed to come across as platitudes. _You, too. As are you. Not as much as you. _Why I couldn't just write _Bella, you're beautiful, _I do not know. All I know is that every time my mouth formed the words, or my pencil was poised to write, I would begin trembling and Bella would swoop in and save me. As if she weren't already perfection personified, she dealt with the student body of Forks High School with incredible aplomb. As the new girl, she'd carried mystery that should have afforded her entry into even the most popular of cliques, but she chose to stand by me and my family. Rude barbs at my expense were met with polite disdain, and the ones that treated her well were invited to join us on my better days. Because of Bella, I was able to count Angela Weber and Ben Cheney among my friends when I might never have even looked them in the eye on my own.

Those six weeks passed more quickly than any other period of my life. I was anxious to begin treatment; excited to have something I could offer Bella. We made plans to see each other every day so that she could be with me during the trials. She and Alice had become virtually inseparable, and talked often of summer sleepovers and trips to Port Angeles. I hated that she couldn't have a carefree summer, but I was too selfish to push her away. She was there the moment I took the first pill, and together we waited.

She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, standing there on the cliff. Her chestnut hair whipped about her face as she closed her eyes to the sun. With a small smile, she turned to me and beckoned my closer. My eyes stayed trained on her as I moved to her side, taking in the form of her body as the wind molded her dress to her. When I reached her, she took my hand in hers and squeezed before letting go. I opened my mouth to say something- anything- but she was gone. Quickly, my eyes flashed to the rocky surf below, and there she was, broken like a china doll. Before I could even form the thought, I flung myself after her.

Before I reached the rocks, I sat up in my bed screaming. My heart raced and sweat mingled with tears on my cheeks. Silently, my mouth formed the words _Bella! Bella! Bella! _My brain had still not caught up with the fact that I had just suffered another night terror. I was still trembling when she came crashing through the door.

"Edward!" she called, scrambling across the bed to my side. She took my face in her hands and forced me to look at her. I know my eyes must have been wild and unfocused, but she encouraged me to take deep breaths by example. I knew when I had rounded the turn because she smiled. "You're okay, Edward. You're here, in bed, safe. And I'm with you. You're okay."

I took a shuddering breath and focused my eyes on hers. I still couldn't say what I wanted to say, so I simply said, "Thank you."

I wanted to tell her how beautiful she looked in her little satin pajama shorts. I wanted to crush her tiny body to mine and kiss her until she was as breathless as I. I wanted to say how very much I loved her. I said and did none of these. Instead, I managed one word. "Stay?"

"Of course," she answered, as she twined her fingers through mine. "I'm not going anywhere."

She was gone when I awoke the next morning. I had slept more peacefully in those remaining hours of night than I had in months. It should have been a triumphant moment for me, to receive more than five hours of sleep, but I only felt shame. She shouldn't have to hold my hand! I should be the one holding hers, protecting her, lifting her up. I would give this medicine another week, but if there were no improvements, I'd switch to a new one immediately.

* * *

There were no improvements. Dad wasn't happy at all, but he switched the medication for me when I asked. I knew it was hard for him to watch me suffer the side effects, but I needed to push through until I found the right one. Experiment One had not helped the night terrors or the social anxiety. It had helped a bit with the general anxiety symptoms, as I couldn't remember ever feeling the shortness of breath or the heart palpitations. It wasn't enough, though.

After I left his study with medication number two, I passed Bella in the hall on my way to the kitchen. She smiled warmly and reached out to touch my arm, so I stopped and faced her.

"Do you mind if I talk to your dad about some of this?" she asked, searching my eyes for my true answer. On one hand, I was mortified. The stronger emotion, though, was love. She wanted to know, and she hadn't run yet. I shook my head and offered her a sheepish smile. "Don't be discouraged, Edward. And don't worry about me. I'll be here through it all."

I felt my throat clog with emotion and turned away before she could see the tears fill my eyes. The little pill weighed heavily in my palm and I pulled myself up with a new purpose. Fix it. Deserve her.

I knew what she wanted to ask, and I knew what Dad would tell her. There was no outward reason for this condition. I had not suffered horribly, or seen something damaging. I didn't have a trigger; I just had a chemical imbalance. I had always been anxious and moody, but it had gotten progressively worse as I entered my teen years. By age fifteen, Dad had tried three different medicines for me. One just didn't work at all, one increased my anxiety to a point where I was nearly incapacitated by fear, and one had seen me attempt to take my own life. My parents and three other doctors decided that I was too young to attempt the medication and I would need to wait until adulthood. With my eighteenth birthday just days away, I was determined to find an answer.

I stood at the kitchen sink and stared at the glass of water that had just helped wash the tiny blue pill down. I wasn't sure how long I'd been standing there, but I was startled out of my reverie when Bella came into the room. She didn't say a word, but walked toward me purposefully. I could see the question in her eyes; she was afraid she would push me too far. I didn't know how to tell her that she was the one person for whom I felt I could do anything, so I settled for holding out my hand. She grasped it and pulled me toward her, wrapping me into a tight hug. I could feel every inch of her pressed against me, and it filled me with the most peculiar sense of longing. I had never _needed _someone the way I needed Bella Swan. With a sigh, I rested my cheek on the top of her head and breathed in the scent of her rosemary and mint shampoo.

I looked at the razor in my hand and froze. The water from the faucet continued to steam up the mirror, and I eventually I could no longer see my lathered face. It didn't matter, though; I wasn't looking at my reflection. I was, instead, staring at the razor as if it answered every one of life's mysteries. _Break it. Break it. _My mind was whispering those tantalizing words, but my body was refusing to listen. _Break it and fix everything. Break it and press the cold metal to your wrist and watch your anxiety disappear down the drain in a flood of crimson. Break it. Break it. _

I was torn. My mind was screaming words that made perfect sense to me, but my body had yet to move. I could end it. All the sleepless nights, the terrifying dreams, the shame, the racing heart and breath, the crippling shyness, Bella...

_Bella! _My mind screamed suddenly and my body finally reacted. The razor hit the floor with a clatter and I dropped after it. I pressed my body to the cold tiles, allowing them to soothe my overheated skin. The razor was still in my line of vision, but it was no longer calling to me. All I could think about was Bella and how I had just seriously considered leaving her. My selfishness apparently knew no bounds, for this bright and beautiful girl had stood by my side for almost five months and I had almost ended it all. I owed her the happiest days of my life, and yet I had almost handed her unbearable sorrow.

I grabbed the razor and hurled it into the trashcan. I could go another day without shaving. I could not, however, go another day on that particular medication. It was time for trial number three. I climbed to my feet and turned off the water before clearing a spot in the mist on my mirror. I felt a bit silly doing it, but I forced myself to look into my own eyes and think of Bella. If I couldn't do this for me, I would do it for her.

"Dad!" I called, running down the hall with just my towel around my waist. "It's time for the last one."

He met me at the door of his study and took in my agitated state. I lowered my eyes in shame, but he placed a hand on my shoulder and tipped my chin up with the other hand.

"It's okay," he said with a smile. "You pushed through it, didn't you? You didn't listen to that voice. I'm proud of you!"

* * *

It didn't work. I could feel the knot forming in my throat as I tried to find the words to tell Bella that I was going to stay broken a little while longer. My birthday came and went in a sleep-deprived haze. The dreams didn't stop. The aches in my joints and muscles grew worse. The anxiety attacks were just as prevalent, if not more powerful than before. She knew without me telling her, but she deserved to hear it from me. She knew because she would run to my room every night when I screamed in terror. She knew because she still traced the dark circles under my eyes, and led me through the breathing exercises when the attacks came on.

She could tell I was struggling and she handed me a pencil and a fresh piece of paper. A tear slipped down my cheek and marred the pristine white before I could make a mark. Her cool fingers closed around mine and she squeezed gently. I dropped the pencil and fisted the paper in my free hand. Drawing in a deep breath, I turned to her and lifted her hand to my heart. I knew she would feel it racing; that she would understand how difficult it was for me to do what I was about to do. Her chocolate eyes searched mine, showing only love and compassion and it nearly broke me.

"It didn't work," I finally whispered. "Dad wants me to wait another six months before trying again." "You can do this, Edward," she whispered in response.

"I just don't know anymore, Bella," I confessed. "I don't know if it will ever go away. I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life!"

Her eyes shone with something that looked like pride. "That's the most you've ever said to me at one time, and louder than you've ever spoken. I like your voice. It's just as beautiful as you are."

My heart, which had been pounding, began to soar again. She was right. In my sincere desire to tell her exactly what I was thinking, I had opened myself up and let the words pour forth. I knew that my comfort level with her was nearing what I felt for my family, but this was still a huge step for me. Maybe I would have to suffer the attacks and the night terrors. Maybe they would leave me listless and tired. But I could find some way to give her my words.

With a deep breath, I lifted my eyes to hers once more. "Bella. You're beautiful."


	3. Safe

It was the best summer of my life, in spite of the failed attempts at medication. The source of my happiness was the girl with chestnut curls and chocolate eyes. Because of Bella and her patience, I found myself opening up more to my family and the few friends I had. She would hold my hand and squeeze gently when she saw I had something to contribute and would smile as I forced my lips to move. Her eyes would shine with pride when I managed a quip at Emmett's expense or teased Alice, as an older brother should.

Her father had become a rock for me, as well. I think he liked that I didn't talk much, for I required no responses. I know he appreciated the respect and deference with which I treated his daughter. If he was worried about my attachment to her, he never let it show. When I joined them for dinner, he would open the door and let me in with a nod of his head and a smile. He didn't hang around in the kitchen when I helped Bella prepare dinner, and he always left us to our own devices after we ate. Sometimes, though, when I quietly bid Bella goodnight, he would join her at the door and pat me gently on the shoulder before I drove home. Bella assured me that this was the closest thing to a hug that Charlie had ever managed.

The happiness I felt seemed to temper many of the effects of my anxiety, but I was never fully whole. As the first day of school approached, the symptoms seemed to worsen. Carefree days spent on a blanket under the weak northwest sun, music-filled trips to Port Angeles and Seattle for bookstores, and late-night movies with my family crammed together on the living room couches were all coming to an end. College applications were arriving in the mail for Bella and me, Emmett and Rosalie were packing for their first week at college in Seattle. Everything was changing and it left me feeling unsettled and more anxious than usual.

* * *

I sat quietly in the back seat of my great-uncle Marcus's station wagon. I wasn't entirely sure that he should be driving, actually, because he was nearing ninety years old. He looked into the rearview mirror and I could see his eyes, covered in that hazy film that indicates blindness, and I shivered. Surely, someone should speak up and tell him that someone else should drive. I looked at the other passengers, willing them to say something. Rosalie sat next to me in the back seat, wearing headphones and studying her iPod. Ben Cheney was in the front seat, bobbing his head along with some Frank Sinatra song that Uncle Marcus had found on the radio. They both looked perfectly content as Uncle Marcus swerved all over the road. _Speak up, Edward! _My mind was screaming, and I fought desperately against the anxiety that kept my teeth glued together. A cell phone rang and Uncle Marcus looked down to dig through his pockets. What the hell was he doing with a cell phone, anyway? Suddenly, the car left the road and headed straight for a jagged rock wall. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. Uncle Marcus pulled the phone to his ear, Rosalie skipped a new song on her iPod, and Ben crooned along with Ol' Blue Eyes. I was the only one who realized what was coming next. My teeth finally wrenched apart and I let out a desperate scream, thrashing wildly against the seatbelt as the car made impact.

"Edward," a soft voice crooned. I hoped it meant I was in Heaven, because it sounded like an angel was speaking. "Edward, baby, please open your eyes." The voice sounded desperate now, and I felt the need to comply.

Bella was curled up next to me in my bed, her slender arms around my neck. "It's okay, baby. Just another dream. You're safe, Edward," she whispered. Relief washed through me, followed by abject mortification.

She had saved me yet again. I buried my face in her neck and succumbed to the tears, sobbing my frustration onto her thin tank top. Her fingers tenderly curled into the hair at the base of my neck, massaging gently. I felt my breathing calm and my heart rate slow. She was magical; better than any medication I could try.

* * *

As I drove the streets of Forks, my fingers wrapped so tightly around the steering wheel that the knuckles were nearly purple, I concentrated once more on controlling my breaths. Bella had been required to sleep at her own house the night before, because school started that morning. Charlie was a patient man, and a very understanding one, but he had insisted that she stay home on a school night. I had known that this would be the case- Bella had warned me- but it didn't make my sleepless night any easier.

She was waiting on the porch for me, wearing the Forks uniform of jeans, t-shirt, and hoodie. Of course, she seemed to wear it better than anyone else, and I felt my heart rate slowly return to normal as she tripped down the steps to meet me. As she got closer, I opened my door and met her at the front of the car. She stopped and looked up at me, reaching a hand up to trace the dark circles under my eyes. My eyelids fluttered closed and I reveled in the feeling, loving every second that her skin was on mine. She tapped my nose playfully, and I moved again to open her door for her.

"Will you be alright without Emmett and Rosalie here?" she asked softly as I pulled into my usual spot. I nodded with a smile, trying to convey to her that I was okay wherever she was. "Carlisle said that he made sure our schedules matched this year," she continued.

Dad had really been amazing, actually. He and mom had visited Mrs. Decker, the principal, and explained the situation as delicately as possible. Bella, who was brilliant in her own right, was easily accepted into all of the advanced classes. Knowing that she would be by my side the whole day, every day, made my first day of school easier than it had been since fifth grade. For the first time in eight years, I felt safe as I walked through the doors of the school.

Physics, Statistics, and AP English all flew by and we made our way to the cafeteria. Seniors were allowed to leave campus for lunch, but there was no way that we would leave Alice on her own. She and Jasper were waiting for us at our usual table, and Jasper stood and pulled out Bella's chair as we approached. Bella presented everyone at the table with roast beef and cheddar sandwiches on asiago bread and carrot sticks. I looked sadly at the chairs that should have been filled by my brother and Rosalie, and shook of the sinking feeling that followed.

"Hey Bella!" a quiet voice said, and we all turned to see Angela and Ben behind us. Bella looked at me after greeting them and I nodded. If anyone could fill those seats, it was Angela and Ben. They sat down happily and the chatter at the table picked up again.

The first few weeks of school were the best weeks I had ever spent within the confines of the school walls. For class projects, I finally had a partner that understood my silence and didn't complain. Lunch was spent in laughter, though I still didn't contribute much in the way of conversation. I was at ease, though- well, as relaxed as I could possibly be. I still had attacks, but Bella was there to talk me though them. I still had terrifying thoughts of my impending death, but Alice and Jasper would find ways to distract me. Ben and Angela were quiet, as well, but seemed to understand that my silence went much further than typical shyness. I felt more comfortable in my own skin than I ever had, and it was an amazing feeling.

The walls crashed down on me about six weeks into the school year. It was normal for Seniors to discuss college, but I had managed to avoid the topic for as long as possible. When Angela mentioned that she'd sent in her last batch of applications, I felt my whole body stiffen. I didn't want to think of change, however distant that change seemed to be at the time. September wasn't even quite over, but the "future" loomed over our heads.

"Where have you applied, Bella?" Ben asked. I didn't look at her, but she knew I was listening intently or her answer.

"Lots of places," she replied vaguely. "I have lots of time to decide." I could feel her looking at me, and I knew she was wondering if I had sent in applications myself.

"Edward is looking at Juilliard," Alice blurted. I felt the blood drain from my face for several reasons. The girl sitting next to me was, by far, the largest of those reasons. I knew she was looking at me, but I couldn't find it in me to meet her gaze. She probably wondered why I hadn't mentioned it. I wanted to look; I wanted to know what she was thinking, but I was so ashamed for keeping the secret that I just couldn't face her.

"You'd be brilliant," she whispered. I lifted my eyes to meet hers, bracing myself for the accusations I might see there. There were none. Her eyes shone with pride, and I felt my heart swell. I didn't deserve her approval. I should have told Bella, my very best friend, that I intended to move across the country to pursue my music dreams. I should have shared with her the abject fear I felt over the impending audition. I knew I wasn't well enough to prepare for the audition on my own, and this was why I'd kept it all a secret. If I didn't have the courage to go through with it, I'd surely be too mortified to face anyone.

"You will, Edward. You'll be amazing," she continued. Her words pierced my heart, and I felt the warmth of her approval spread throughout my whole body. Not for the first time, I wanted to kiss her silly for being so perfect. Instead, I dragged my eyes from hers to look at the rest of my friends. They were all watching with expressions of mixed pride, amusement, and concern. Of course, they all understood without having to hear it from me. They understood because they were the very best kinds of friends.

_Edward, _

_I'm very proud of you for considering Juilliard. I know it will be hard for you to step out of your comfort zone and I want you to know that I'll be there with you every step of the way. I know you can do it. We'll just work on convincing you that you can do it. _

_B _

I read the note she had handed me as she got out of the car at her house. It never failed to amaze me how she always knew what I needed to hear. I could only smile at her with sincere gratitude and take her hand as we walked to the front door. It was dinner night with my family again, and I couldn't wait to watch her interact with Emmett. For such a quiet girl, she did manage to get the best of him often.

* * *

We lounged together on the couch while we waited for dinner to be served. Alice and Jasper were not yet home, and Rosalie had dragged Emmett to the garage to look under the hood of Emmett's Jeep. It was blissfully quiet, except for the occasional clink of silverware of rushing of water from the kitchen. I loved that Bella and I didn't have to talk to have a conversation. She held my hand and traced my fingers with hers, and I knew without asking what she was saying. I would play for her later, and she would sit next to me and lose herself in the music.

When I played for Bella, the rest of the world faded into nothingness. I didn't worry about auditions and judges, about new classes and strange people. I only cared about the notes and how they made her feel. I wanted her to hear everything that I couldn't say. Our bubble burst as soon as Emmett came crashing back through the door and filled the house with his laughter. Rosalie was tight on his heels, reaching up to smack the back of his head for some transgression performed outside of our hearing. Bella giggled at their interaction and stood, tugging my hand so that I would join her. Alice and Jasper walked in as we were taking our seats, making me wonder if Alice had some sort of sixth sense that let her know when dinner was served.

Mom had outdone herself with a spread fit for royalty. There were three roasted chickens, and I knew Emmett would claim one for himself. As soon as he had his mouth full, he turned to Bella and said, "So you guys have been together nine months, right?"

I stiffened, because I'd never asked her that all-important question. I hated that Bella might feel put on the spot, but I really wanted to know what the thought about our situation. Before she could answer, though, Emmett jumped back in. "Nine months is enough time to have a baby."

"Knowing a baby could grow up to be like you is all the birth control anyone would need," Bella said softly, and the table burst into laughter. I let out a sigh of relief, but still wondered what she might have said if she'd not been interrupted. For about the millionth time, I cursed myself for not having the courage to claim her. I would start the medicines again as soon as Dad would allow it.

As soon as dinner was done, Bella tried to help Mom with the dishes. She was shut down as always, but I could tell that Mom loved her for trying every time. I took her hand and led her from the kitchen. When she saw where I was headed, she quickened her step and almost raced me there. I loved to watch her get excited. Sometimes she'd trip over her own feet and blush a beautiful crimson. I made a mental note to myself that I should let her know just how much I adored those roses on her cheeks. When I wrote it down, I wasn't so embarrassed about what I said.

She plopped down onto the piano bench and looked up at me in expectation. With a chuckle, I sat next to her and did a few scales to warm up. Then, before I could stop myself, I began to play something I'd been working on. It made me think of her when I played it, and I thought maybe she would understand how I felt if she heard it. Warmth, comfort, love... I tried to tell her these things through my music, but I knew that it would never be enough.

"Jesus, Edward," she whispered when I was done. I looked at her and saw the familiar tears on her cheeks, but there was something new in her eyes; a fire I hadn't seen before.

"Do you like it?" I asked, shocking myself.

"I have no words," she murmured. Cautiously, she reached and took my hand, twining our fingers together. "You wrote it?"

I nodded. "It's called _Safe," _I told her. "It's for you."

The fire in her eyes grew more intense and her lips parted, as if to speak. She closed them again, and studied my face. I wanted to avert my gaze, for the look on her face was too intense. Her features softened after a moment, and she squeezed my hand.

"I hope that's how I make you feel, Edward. You can be yourself with me, always. And when you're ready to leap, I'll catch your fall."

I fought with myself internally; wondering if I could make myself ask her. Just three words: _Bella, be mine. _The moment passed, though, and I knew I would have to wait. Though I felt safe with her, I was not yet brave.


	4. Proud

On New Year's Day, I started a new medicine. Dad had talked to me about it all through Christmas break, going over the possible side effects and the many other ways that this venture could fail. The possibilities scared me, but all I had to do was take a look at Bella's hopeful face and I knew I'd do anything to be well for her.

The first few days were more of the same. I still had the panic attacks, the night terrors, the crazy thoughts of death, and the horrible muscle fatigue. Bella spent every free moment at our house, holding my hand through it all. She still ran to my room when I screamed in the night and caressed my face and hair until I slipped back into uneasy slumber. Dinnertimes were more strained than usual, as everyone watched me for any sign of improvement. Through it all, we kept up our customary form of communication.

_You don't have to suffer the medication if it's not working, Edward. _

I looked over her words and smiled in spite of myself. There was no way for her to know that I had ceased trying for myself. Everything I did now was for her.

_I want to be whole, Bella. I know that sometimes these things take a while. Dad asked me for two weeks, and I will give him at least that. So far, things are the same, so at least it hasn't gotten worse. _

I shuddered at the memory of the blade on the bathroom floor, and how I had almost succumbed to the crazy thoughts in my head. Her brown eyes flashed before me, shaking me out of my reverie, and I passed the note back to her. She was seated next to me on the couch, ignoring the television that played at a low volume. Somewhere in the house, Emmett was shouting in victory over whatever video game he had coerced Jasper into playing. A smile played at Bella's lips as she listened to his ridiculous posturing. I wondered if she might wish that she could be upstairs with the other girls. As if she knew what I was thinking, she leaned her head against my shoulder and sighed. Her message was clear; she was happy to be with me.

Because school was starting back the next day, Bella had to go home. Charlie's ridiculous rule about no school night sleepovers seemed to only hold fast when the school day in question was after a long break. With a heavy heart, I watched her truck as it disappeared down the drive. She had stayed as long as she could so that I could head straight to bed as soon as she was gone.

* * *

She danced in front of me through the halls of the school. Watching Bella dance should have been funny, for she had a lack of grace that rivaled a rhinoceros, but somehow she looked as if she walked on air. Perhaps my own very strong feelings for her colored my perception of her, but I didn't question it. I merely watched with fascination as she twirled to look at me. As she walked backwards, she crooked her finger at me, beckoning me closer. I hurried my steps to catch her as the rest of the student body faded from view. Suddenly, it seemed there were only the two of us. I caught her around the waist and swung her through the air, smiling as I heard her laugh gleefully. When her feet reached the floor again, she reached up and touched the hair at the base of my neck.

Suddenly, the air changed again; an electric charge seemed to hum around us. She closed her eyes and I knew what I needed to do. Slowly, I trailed my fingers up her back, under the thick curtain of her hair, until I reached her neck. With gentle pressure, I pulled her closer until I could feel her sweet breath on my lips. They parted as she gasped, and I closed the distance between us. It was as if we moved in slow motion. I could see her eyes widen, then flutter closed. Her pulse jumped erratically just below her jaw line. Instead of claiming her mouth, I pressed my lips there first.

The taste of her was sweet, like orange and mint. I allowed my lips to linger only for a moment before skimming over her smooth skin to the corner of her lips. She whimpered, so softly I almost didn't hear it, and turned her head to meet me. Suddenly, fireworks exploded behind my eyelids as I realized that I was kissing her. I had finally claimed my Bella, and by the sounds she made, she was thoroughly enjoying it.

I opened my eyes to see her expression, but instead I saw a ceiling. It was my ceiling, actually, and I was lying in my bed. There was no screaming, no sense of foreboding. I had actually had a good dream, even if it meant that I was still too chickenshit to kiss Bella. Weak sunlight filtered through the curtains, and I was hit with a second revelation. I had slept through the whole night! A glance at the clock told me that I had just received nine hours of uninterrupted, beautiful dreams.

I jumped from the bed and ran for the door. Emmett was passing as I crashed through, and I gave him a hearty slap to the shoulder as I ran by. I could hear his befuddled stammers as I clambered down the steps on my way to the kitchen. Dad looked up in alarm as I skidded to a stop in front of the stool where he sat.

"Edward?" he asked, concern evident in his voice. He must have seen the change on my face, though, for his expression lightened immediately. "It worked?" he asked, plopping his mug back onto the counter.

"I slept the whole night. I had a great dream," I said softly. He stood and wrapped me into his arms, patting my back joyfully.

"We'll still keep an eye on it for a while," Dad said as he pulled away. I nodded, understanding that complications could still arise in the form of horrible side effects. At the moment, though, I couldn't make myself care.

Bella took the offered note with a sweet smile. I watched as she read my happiness and saw her eyes light up with joy, just as my father's had. Quickly, she snatched the pen from my fingers and began to scribble furiously.

_I'm so happy! I knew it would work... I mean, I hoped. I really did. I know it's not all over, but knowing that some of your suffering is over just makes me want to shout! _

I wished that I could tell her the specifics of my great dream; that I had the guts to make it reality. Apparently, the crippling shyness wasn't something that medicine could cure. I still needed to work through that part on my own. My heart, though, felt lighter than it had in years. I felt almost rested, and I was able to concentrate more fully on things around me. In the past, my mind would wander to terrible things that could cause death to a student in that school. With the medication working, I now finished my work even more quickly and had extra time for writing notes with Bella.

We walked together to lunch later that afternoon. Our hands swung casually at our sides, and I debated taking hers in mine. Every time our knuckles would brush accidentally, I steeled myself to make the move. And every time, I would fail. Her step was lighter, though, reminding me of the dancing gait she had possessed in my dream. I wondered if my victory had affected her, or if she had always walked with such happiness and my misery had merely blinded me.

Our table was full of friends. Ben and Angela were waiting to greet us after the long break and I forced myself to meet their eyes and smile.

"It worked!" Angela whispered, covering her mouth in surprise. My smile turned sheepish and I nodded. "Oh, I'm so glad! I really did hope, when Bella told me you were trying a new one, that this one would be it. Oh, God, Edward. You don't know how much we wished that for you!"

Tears pricked at my eyes as I registered the sincerity of her words. Ben reached out a cautious hand, and I grasped it firmly. Perhaps I couldn't speak freely yet, but I was on the mend.

* * *

The weeks passed in a blur after that. Bella still came to dinner at least twice a week, and I joined her and Charlie as often as I could. Her father, as always, was a rock of support for me. He told me how glad he was that things were getting better for me, and then turned promptly to a basketball game. I knew that this was as emotional as he would get, and his encouragement served to strengthen me even more.

I practiced every night for the Juilliard audition. I still wasn't sure if I could go through with it, but I determined that I would be ready just in case. Bella sat with me whenever she was at the house, watching with starry eyes as I breezed through sonatas, fugues, rhapsodies, and nocturnes. When I had exhausted my repertoire, I would play the music in my head; the music that Bella inspired.

_You have such an amazing gift, Edward. I can tell a difference in your playing in the last few weeks. There's a lighter touch to the sonatas and a deeper meaning to the nocturnes. It feels almost as if you've put your own personal experiences into each song that you play, and they touch me even more deeply than before. I know that the sleep you get now, and the concentration that you've gained, help. But there's something more. There's a note of hope, an overtone of happiness, and it makes it that much more beautiful. _

I read her words, astounded that she could hear so much when I still barely spoke. Of course she heard everything; she was Bella. She was kinder, gentler, more empathetic and intelligent than anyone else I had ever met. Her faith in me gave me the strength I needed to say the words that came next.

"I'm going to do it." My voice was quiet, meant only for her. "I'm going to audition, and I need you to come with me."

Her eyes were wide with surprise as she studied my face. I could tell that her thoughts were racing, and I wanted to know what she was thinking. She would tell me, if I asked.

"What are you thinking?" I said, barely realizing that I had spoken.

"I'm thinking that... You can do this, Edward, and you don't need me. But if you _want _me there, then I wouldn't miss it for the world."

* * *

The auditions were approaching quickly. Once I had determined that I would go and take the chance, it was as if days turned to hours, hours to minutes, and seconds simply didn't exist anymore. My free moments were spent at a piano, hammering out my chosen pieces. I missed my quiet time with Bella, but she would push me back to the piano if I dared to stop for a moment of quiet with her.

Charlie had quickly cleared Bella to make the trip with my family at the end of March. In a gruff voice, he'd wished me the very best of luck and clapped me on the shoulder. Nothing more was ever said, but his willingness to allow Bella's travel across the United States was enough support for me.

I felt as if I was moving backwards, the closer the date got. Time just seemed to rush past me in a torrent of sound and color, and I was helpless to make it stop.

_I can't practice anymore. Can we go somewhere where there is no piano, no sheet music, and NO EMMETT? _

Bella read my request and giggled. She took my hand and dragged me behind her to the door. "I'm driving," she said, and I rolled my eyes. Though we still didn't speak aloud much, a playful banter had developed between us. She knew of my disdain for her truck, and I knew of her outrageous jealousy over my car. Well, I teased her that she was jealous. She had an unnatural attachment to the truck, though, and I knew my car didn't really hold any magic at all for her.

I climbed into the cab on the passenger side and waited patiently as she coaxed the monster to life. On the third attempt, I heaved a great sigh and rolled my eyes. She laughed out loud and smacked my shoulder. The fourth attempt caught, and we were on our way through the lush forest surrounding the house. I watched her as she drove carefully, biting my tongue against complaints of her speed. She turned onto a gravel path and cut the engine, and we walked from there. I had to catch her a few times as she stumbled, but the walk was pleasant. Within moments, we broke through the trees to a breathtaking view of the lake and I sucked in a breath in awe.

Bella climbed onto a large boulder and patted the spot next to her. When I was situated, she leaned her head against my shoulder.

"Are you afraid?" she asked quietly. I didn't answer for a moment and she shifted toward me. "I didn't bring the notebook! I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," I said quietly. "I'm not afraid of talking to you anymore. It's just habit to write it all." She smiled at my admission. "But are you scared of the audition?" she pressed.  
"I'm scared shitless," I admitted.

"I imagine that's normal," she said quietly. "Especially for someone as humble as you. Is it the audition that scares you, or the idea of actually getting in?"

I was startled at how astute she was. The audition was not my main fear. My biggest fear was actually succeeding and moving across the country, away from everyone I knew and loved. Away from her.

"Alice told me she applied to NYU," Bella informed me. This wasn't news to me. Having my sister with me would certainly make things easier. "And Jasper was accepted to Columbia's Political Science program. You won't be alone."

"I know," I said. I would still be without her, though. I couldn't make myself voice that thought.

"Whatever happens, Edward, I want you to know that I'm proud of you. I'm so very proud of everything you've done since I met you. You're one of the strongest, most fearless people I've ever met, and I'm happy just to say that I know you."

I couldn't stop myself after that. I pulled her into my embrace, and for the hundredth time I cried on her shoulder.


	5. Brave

Abject terror. For all the nightmares, horrifying waking thoughts, and suicidal ideation I had suffered, nothing compared to the pure dread I felt when faced with a door marked "Auditorium." I shook myself, praying that it was another dream and that I would wake safely in my bed, but I knew it my heart that this was real. I could feel Bella's hand in mine, but it did nothing to slow my panicked heart rate. Bella's hand. If only I could shut everything out except for the feel of her cool fingers between mine.

I could hear the student before me, as she played a Rachmaninoff piece to near perfection. Of course there would be people with talent equal to or better than mine. In Forks, I was a big fish. In New York City, I was an amoeba. I glanced at Bella, and she must have seen the stark fear in my eyes. Carefully, she unlaced our fingers and began a slow massage of the heel of my hand. It felt wonderful, but it didn't distract me from the fact that the Rachmaninoff had ended. I was one song closer to my own audition. Suddenly I wondered if the Ravel piece I had prepared would be too showy. I had a Liszt sonata to show depth and emotion, and I was pleased with that choice, but the professors might think me a t-ball player trying out for the major leagues if I presented the Ravel as my opener.

"Stop second guessing yourself, Edward," Bella murmured as she worked her way down each of my fingers. I fought for the words to explain my trepidation, but she reached across me for my other hand and I had to busy myself with juggling my music.

"But the Ravel..." I muttered, imploring her with my eyes. Dad cleared his throat and I turned to him, begging him to understand my hesitation.

"Is the best piece you play. You've mastered it, Edward. You have no reason to fear." His eyes shone with pride as he completed my thought for me.

"We would never steer you wrong, Edward." Mom had unshed tears in her eyes as she watched Bella's careful ministrations. Bella squeezed my hand gently and I turned back to her, searching for yet more reassurance. She only nodded and chewed her bottom lip gently.

I sighed, knowing that I really had no choice. I could pull out a Rachmaninoff myself, or I could trust my first instincts. I decided that with Bella there, I would take the plunge. I would either soar or falter, but if she was there to catch me in the end, everything was worth it.

The door opened, and my breath caught. "Give them three minutes to finish their notes, and then come in," the girl on the other side said. She smiled encouragingly and hesitated for a moment. "They don't bite, I swear," she whispered, then closed the door quietly.

I turned to Bella, drinking her in with my eyes. Her hair was down and in soft curls from Alice's efforts. A deep blue turtleneck set off the rose of her cheeks. Her eyes, though, were what I would remember as I set my music on the stand. They were glowing with pride; she believed in me, even when I couldn't believe in myself. Her strength had led me here, and it would sustain me until I reached the door on the other side.

I sat in front of the keys with no clear memory of how I actually got there. Bella's eyes were all I could see as I tried to acquaint myself with the instrument. I heard a throat clear and I turned to see a table with three people who were awaiting my next move. Bella's eyes.

I stood slowly and turned to them, taking deep breaths to steady myself. "My name is Edward Cullen, and I will begin with the Ravel."

Great. I had no choice but to play it. Bella's eyes. I sat again and brushed my fingers lightly over the keys, lovingly. Whatever happened, I would still love the piano. I would still play it, even if Bella would be the only one to hear. With that thought, I began.

I played the moment I saw her and the first time I heard her speak. I played the flush of her cheeks and the graceful arch of her neck. My fingers fluttered over the laughter we had shared, however quiet it might have been, and the friends she had brought into my life. Before I had registered the end of the song, I had begun again with the Liszt, playing the longing my heart felt when I watched her sleep, and the intense joy she brought with just a smile. I poured my love and intense devotion to Bella Swan into every note coaxed from the hammers and strings.

There was a sight-reading exercise that followed, but I floated through with no difficulty at all. If I read _piano, _I caressed the keys as I would Bella's collarbones. When the music called for _forte, _I gave it the intensity of a first kiss. She was in every aspect of the performance, just as she would be in every aspect of my life, no matter the results of my audition.

As the last note died, I realized that I had truly done it. I had succeeded, even if I failed. Little more than a year ago, I could barely speak aloud. I had no friends to speak of, and barely even communicated with my own family. The faith of one girl had changed my entire life, and no matter the outcome, I would forever be different. If I did nothing else today, I would tell her how very much she meant to me.

I realized that the judges were speaking and I quickly turned my attention to them. One was an older man, probably in his fifties and he was smiling as he thanked me for sharing with them. A younger woman, probably in her early forties was nodding along with the first man's sentiments.

The last man was probably no older than thirty. He was eyeing me shrewdly and made me want to check my shirt and tie for spilled food. "How old are you, Edward?" he finally asked.

"I'm eighteen, sir," I answered softly. I hadn't realized there would be an interview. I thought I would play and run, and the thought of having to now speak caused a fine sheen of sweat to break out.

"You play with a maturity and an understanding that far surpasses any eighteen year old I've heard," he said, and his eyes narrowed. I gulped, wondering if I would have to produce proof of my age. "You feel deeply, do you not?"

I nodded, thinking once more of Bella waiting for me on the other side of the door. Bella's eyes, full of pride.

"It's been an honor," the young man finally said. My head snapped back so that I could meet his gaze. His smile now matched the other two, and I felt my heart skip a beat. Before I could stop myself, I replied.

"The honor has been mine."

I gathered my music and bolted for the door. She would be waiting for me, I knew. I wondered if she had been able to hear my performance, and I couldn't wait to hear her thoughts. Even if she couldn't play a simple nursery rhyme, her perception was always spot-on. I trusted her opinion, and I couldn't wait to receive it. I pushed through the door and was met by my mother's arms. She whispered words of pride and love before passing me on to my father.

I stepped into his embrace and soaked up his warmth and joy. I knew that my father felt whatever I felt. He worked to shield me from the bad, and actively pushed me toward the good. His emotions ran deeply, as well, and I was grateful that I had inherited his sensitivity. "You are the most amazing thing I've ever done," he whispered. I pulled back and rested my forehead against his. "Don't tell your brother or sister I said that," he added quickly, and I breathed out a laugh.

He released me and turned me to where Bella waited about ten feet away. She had her hands clasped tightly behind her back, and her cheeks were high with color. Her eyes, though... Her eyes were blazing with an indecipherable emotion as she waited for me to approach. I closed the gap between us quickly, dropping my music as I walked. Her eyes darkened, and a smile pulled at her lips as I laid my right hand against her jaw and stroked her cheek with my thumb. Without even thinking, my left arm snaked around her waist and pulled her closer to me.

_Forte, _I thought, as I crashed my mouth into hers. _Piano, _I thought, as she sighed softly against my lips. My heart raced as my brain caught up with my body. I should have asked, but she felt so damn good pressed up against me. I was dimly aware that she was kissing me back with lips as soft as rose petals, but my mind was fogged with her scent, her sounds, and the silk of her skin against my palm.

"Woohoo!" I heard, deep in the recesses of my brain. Slowly, I came back to my senses and pulled away.

"I'm guessing it went well?" Alice said, leaning against the wall next to me. Emmett was dancing gleefully behind her, no doubt in reaction to my very public display of affection for Bella. Instead of answering either of my siblings, I searched Bella's eyes for reassurance. I saw, reflected, feelings of intense desire and adoration. My heart soared, and I leaned forward to claim her lips once more.

"I have something to show you," she said softly as soon as I was able to pull away again. I did not want to ever stop kissing her, once I had found the courage to begin. What she had to share with me was just as important, though, and I backed away slowly. She took my hand and tugged me around the nearest corner, smiling apologetically to my family as she walked. When we were away from the prying gazes of my siblings, she pressed a piece of paper into my hands. I stared at it for a moment, wondering if she'd written me a special note. Her eyes implored me to open it, so I did.

_Dear Ms. Swan, _

_We are pleased to inform you that have been accepted to the NYU Creative Writing program- _

I tore my eyes from the page and found her gaze. She was watching me intently, her eyes unsure.

"You'll be here, too?" I whispered. I didn't think that anything could make me happier that day, but I hadn't counted on Bella.

"If it's okay with you?" she said, her voice halting.

"Okay?" I said, almost laughing at the absurdity of her question. "Bella, I don't want to spend a minute without you. Ever."

Tears welled in her eyes and spilled over quickly. "I don't either, Edward. I wasn't sure, though... You're doing so well, and I know you'll make wonderful friends here. I don't want to ever keep you from-"

I pulled her toward me and cut her next words off with another kiss. She whimpered against my lips and I felt her tiny fingers curl into the hair at the nape of my neck.

"You have never kept me from anything!" I whispered fiercely. "You are the one I wake up for every morning. You gave me the strength to beat the anxiety and the courage to pursue a dream. None of this would have happened without you."

"Edward, you give me too much credit. I believed in you, yes. But you learned to believe in yourself. You have no idea what you look like in my eyes, Edward. To overcome the panic attacks, to struggle against your shyness... You've got more courage than the rest of us combined! Knowing that you count me as one of your friends... well, it's the most amazing feeling in the world."

My brain latched onto that word, _friend, _and my mouth fell open. "You are the best friend I have ever had, Bella. But you have to know that it's more than that. I am so in love with you that it hurts when you're not near me." I couldn't believe I had just said that, but the words just tumbled out. There was no going back. This wasn't a dream or a nightmare that would be erased the moment I woke up. What was worse, she hadn't yet replied.

I scratched the back of my neck and looked anywhere but at her. This was why I never spoke! Who the hell knew what would come out of my mouth? At least if I wrote it down, it could be scratched out or erased. In a matter of seconds, I had gone from soaring to crashing. I was dimly aware that she had begun to speak, but I couldn't hear her over the sudden rushing of noise in my ears.

"...Edward, look at me please!" she was saying. I dragged my eyes up to meet hers, and sucked in a breath at her expression. The burning emotion from earlier was back as she launched herself into my arms. The letter from NYU fluttered to the ground as I reached out to catch her. She began to press fevered kisses to every inch of my face as she laughed and cried at the same time.

"I love you, too!" she finally said, sniffling a bit. "So much, Edward! You have no idea." Her lips were puffy from our kisses, and her eyes were red from her tears, but she had never looked more beautiful to me than she did in that moment.

"I love you, Bella," I said again, kissing her softly.

I heard Emmett approaching before he rounded the corner. He was still dancing and singing a ridiculous hip-hop song, which alerted us to his presence. "Dad wants to take us all to dinner," he called, just before he came into view. His eyes danced as he saw Bella in my embrace. I steeled myself for the coming ridicule, knowing that he could never pass up a chance to give me hell. He smirked a bit and cuffed me on the back of the head. "We're proud of you, bro. I couldn't do what you just did... like, ever."

"See?" Bella said softly. "It's you. You're the brave one."


End file.
